It has been one month since I held Emma. I want to say it is getting easier but I am not sure if that is right. I think I am getting use to the constant ache. Logan saw a baby at church on Sunday and said he wanted a baby like that at our house. That honestly made my heart hurt, like I had let him down in a way. Then last night as we were going to bed he said he missed baby Emma. I am glad my boys talk about her because I know they will remember her.
We are going to the cemetery this weekend to take her pumpkins for Halloween. I so wish that I could have her here to dress up like a little lady bug or something cutesy.
I ask the question daily why me? It doesn't make sense and it doesn't seem fair. Life isn't suppose to be like this. Old people are suppose to die not tiny, helpless babies. A friend of mine gave me an awesome book that has really brought me comfort. A paragraph out of that says, "Babies symbolize life, innocence, and unconditional love. To associate a baby with death goes completely against all expectations. Babies, the beginning of life, should not enter the world at what is seemingly the end. No parent, looking forward to receiving and nourishing a new life, can be prepared for that rapid, harsh change of direction- the burial of their baby. While preparing to give life, no one prepares to say goodbye." That pretty much sums up how I have felt for a month. I should be picking out cute dresses for her not a headstone. Someday I will understand but for now I just need to trust in a loving Heavenly Father that He knows best and that his promises are sure. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him and he shall direct they paths."
Thursday, October 21, 2010
One Month
Posted by A & M Ras at 6:57 AM
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3 comments:
It's hard to believe it's been a month...and yet, before you know, it will have been 10 years and you'll wonder where the time has gone. You're right that you simply get used to the ache. You learn to adjust to a "new normal", that isn't really normal at all. Know that we think about Emma every single day!
Marissa,
Thank you so much for sharing. I continue, as I always have since I met you, to stand in awe of your tenacious faith. That is what we are here on this earth for, to learn to hang on despite any experience that comes, to hang on to the truth that our Father in Heaven lives and loves us and nothing can change that. The beautiful faith of Job.
I just left you a note on facebook wondering what had happened...and then I just went searching a little more until I found your blog....and got more details.
My heart aches for you. I know when Jared was 1st diagnosed that I kept trying to soak in a lifetime of memories-- just in case. I think you did a fine job explaining how you felt and the cloud and Eyore helped me to understand.
Your family will be in our prayers!! I KNOW that families can be together forever. I know it with assurity. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it does sooth the heart knowing that covenants in the temple are REAL. Emma is STILL yours--FOREVER.
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